I love how this place looks. The familiar design and familiar names rock my world. But I am not so familiar with IT. Not anymore. I read my past entries and see how I used to be able to flow my emotions towards all of the people randomized by catchy screen names and interesting acronyms that exploit your greatest strengths. Alas, this "me" that I read about, that was so easy to let emotion flow stopped being just that in the real life after "she" googled this nickname of mine and read all of my entries that were meant to vent and explain how I feel and get a general opinion instead of a biased one, and took those entry's meanings up to a new level. Thus, I stopped. For I feared that she would use my entries against me, or read up on it to get information or ammo for the next quarrel we had. I was on NuTang a lot before hand and was expressing my emotions, so in the real world, I could do it freely, too. Funny, because...the entries she read were password protected and she and her friend even took the liberty to go ahead and try to find out the password in order to read it. A password just isn't a password to protect me; it has a meaning. A password on it would depict that this here entry, I've attached true emotion and maybe a bit of privacy is wanted. Do you take into account of that at all? No, maybe you just do want to read this. Whatever. These are my feelings now, and this is where it's gonna go:

Yes, we've fought. You say you feel like you've been fighting with this the whole time we've been together, but do you actually think that I retract because it's my own nature? No. I retract back from doing what you want me to, to express my emotion to you first hand, because the times that I've tried, we end up getting into an argument, too. Because sometimes you don't feel that it's right for me to be opposed to what you feel you should be able to do; or if I feel upset for something that you did that didn't seem right for a girl in a relationship to do. When I said, no, that's not cool, or "I'm upset because you did this," you always threw it back at me and fought with me to justify that I'm wrong and you should be able to. There, you fought for your side and were strong with it, but did you ever think about how it made me feel?

First, before the argumentative discussion, I felt afraid, mad, sad, confused of WHY do you think it's okay. When I opposed, then we had the argumentative debacle, I felt guilty for even getting mad at you for it, and should I have ever been mad in the first place, because I hate conflict. I feel guilty every single time I struggle to strap words around the emotion that I don't feel okay with this situation and tell you about it. This is where I start to retract; back into keeping my anger emotions and sad and negative emotions to myself. Because I'm afraid that we'd get into a fight if I told you, or afraid that all you'll do is stick to your side and how you feel about the story rather than come with me on a trip to decipher mine. Of course, when it's something minuscule as hanging up the towel on a rack after you've used it, it's easy because its good for the both of us and we both agree that a bunched up towel smells funky after a few minutes of sitting, I don't have to worry about you recoiling back at me for telling you to pick it up. When it comes to other things that you stand firmly about though, it's harder because you start raising your voice or start getting flustered at me and then you start throwing out and jumping to other points and conclusions that simply...just make the fight so much bigger because now instead of deciphering just the one thing I said I disagree or got mad at you about, we have to decipher the other things that you pointed out and we have to discuss those now; then the original point is lost. And honestly, people will agree, if it's something you stand firmly in believing such as hanging out with your friends anytime you want to, walking in and out of the house any time you want to, believing you think something in your car is seriously broken, or knowing what you said exactly at this said time and hour, you will fight and bite to the death. So if I got frustrated with something you said that didn't sound right in my ears as a boyfriend, and if you weren't in such a good mood that day, I'd have to hold it in. There's no way I could tell you right then and there that what you said earlier had gotten me feeling off, because then you'd jump to this and that. That's what had gotten me scared of just revealing myself to you right away. Depending how well your day went and what you're currently going through, I decide whether I should or shouldn't drop the dime to let you hear or not. It's because you put that blunt aura about you, even with me. And instead of reading this and getting mad all over again and not wanting to deal with this; put yourself in my shoes and keep your attitude where it is, and see how you would deal with it. How many times would you bump heads with yourself because one of your views on what you want to do are different than another? I've put myself in your shoes and I've felt guilty for what I've done to you. From your shoes, I saw that sometimes, I was SELFISH in keeping you with me all the time and not wanting you to go out so late in the night so often, but I also realized that in the night is the only time I get to see you and during the weekends. I also saw that I DID fight during the bad times for you and with you; I fought my job for my days to be able to have days off to spend time with you, I fought with my family because they didn't think you were right for me. During the bad times, such as your leg or the accident, I couldn't provide monetary support for you, but I provided the most moral support I could, but you said I never did anything during the bad times. And you're saying I put no effort? You always brought that you helped me with CareCredit and helped work at Pepsi to help ME, and I appreciated that and I thanked you and Lisa personally for your own terms. I was grateful that you did that for me, but never once when you brought up something like that, did I bring it back to the times I drove back and forth from Riverside to take care of you and your foot, and walk you around campus and carry you up stairs.

When you say that I never did support you or try to help you during the bad times when something is wrong, it hurt. It seriously hurt because now I see that all of that just slipped your mind that I even did anything at all for you. How you were struggling on some things in school and even though I had no knowledge from any of your classes, I struggled to help you pass a final. The other stuff doesn't even matter now. Yes, through the year, you've helped me with CareCredit, you worked with me at Pepsi, you helped me deal with my sister, you got food and stuff for me, but what you said (All I ever feel is that I'm always shelling out for something for you) really hurt, because now you've said something that made me feel like I've done nothing at all for you, yet I've fought with people at work for you, I fought work to reschedule myself for days that will let me be able to see you and spend time with you, I let go of all the free time I had when you hurt your foot to get you where you needed to go and do what you needed to do (I didn't mind either), when you hurt it again, I rushed you to the hospital back and forth from Riverside to Orange, contacted who I needed to contact and do what I needed to do in order for you to feel better. But...all that...is me not dealing with you when the going gets tough? I try to avoid the simple conflict and negative emotions when I can, and when I know I could say something that will get us into a fight, I stop. I try to configure my words carefully. I don't wanna say something that'll spark you up and get you just running right out the door without listening to the rest that I have to say; this is your nature. If you haven't noticed it, you tend to interrupt and cut me off and make a point about something in between sentences rather than listen to the whole idea. And you know you do this, too, because you admit to having a minute form of ADD/ADHD. When you get to the point now that you're mad, you stop listening altogether and the words that come out of my mouth are just shit now, because you'll just keep repeating the same things over and over and then you'll say that you feel like you're going in circles.

Sigh, I don't know what to do. Honest to heaven, I really do love you. For what reason can I provide? You nurture me when I'm hurt, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Especially about John and Steph, and Sher. Sometimes you may not say much, but to have someone there who cares for my well-being and knows what death to someone close to you is like, it matters a lot. I love you because of your little quirks that make me laugh or smile, like when you comment on things such as your belly button. I love you because you can help me pinpoint an emotion when I can't find it on a day that you're not previously fired up about something. I love you because I can talk to you about how being a part of a crazy family feels because you come from the same place, yet everyone is different. I love you because we have the same views about the public, how people talk differently and act differently and associate their attitudes with what they've probably gone through in their lives, and how it would suck or how we would want that. I love you because you bring a little dirt into my semi-pristine cleanly ways, you bring a little challenge to my thoughts. My mind is constantly cluttered, yet I keep my space in my room clean. You have your mind and head straight on, yet you throw all your clothes on the floor. This is opposite but attracts. I love you because you urge me to better my life and show me a light with yourself as an example that some hard work is not going to kill you, even though you say it will. I love you because when we CAN talk and we're both in a good mood, we come to compromises and thoughts in an adult manner and it makes me feel like we've accomplished a big goal in our relationship.

This fight: I honestly never saw it coming. Why? Because I did the things you said you wanted me to do, which was be more in touch with your emotions and ask you what's wrong when I see something wrong. And I did. You think I can't read you or know when something's up, but I did, and I asked. Both times, you said it was because of something else; the move made you tired and sleepy, and then you were coming down off Vyvanse and feeling cranky and then even threatened me to feel your wrath. The tired and sleepy, I asked if you were okay several times and you went to say that because of the week and taking so many Vyvanse to study, you're feeling that it's crashing your body now. That you're body is finally kicking and saying "hey I'm tired" yet your mind wasn't. When you were sleeping in the car, I noticed you were quiet, but I associated that with what you had said prior and took it as you were tired. Sunday, you came in and asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. And honestly, it was nothing, I was just watching a movie and waiting for you to finish getting dressed. We get to the counter at BagelMe and I noticed that you were still tense from the night before; so I decided to give you a hug. You stiffed me and didn't even hug me back. I asked you if you were okay, and you explained about the come down off the Vyvanse again and said you were feeling kinda cranky, alongside your period. So I poked you and you walked away and I called you a jerk just for the fun of it, and you came back at me and said "Do you REALLY wanna feel my wrath right now?" And there was no fun tone in it at all. So from then on, I associated your attitude with that; when we were at Christine's house, I just wanted to stay away at a safe distance until I could find an easy way to talk to you after you've cooled a bit. So yeah you asked me if something was wrong with me, and nothing really WAS wrong with me; I was just trying to limit my exposure during your "red-mode." That's why I was so quiet; because I could never know what I could say that would spark you and you would jsut be pissed at me. But did you not notice that every chance I could get, I did what I could to try to get your spirits up? I did the iPod playlist for you, I got your song for you to play to heighten your spirits, when you got back in the car, I instantly switched to the song for you to get your spirits up. You danced and sang but you were still quiet, and to me, that cue was "watch your fuckin mouth David." We got home, and I wanted to play your Justice League movie for you cuz I got it for you, in hopes that you would lighten up and THEN we could talk. It just didn't work. Instead, we got into a fight about how you can always read my emotions and have to beat it out of me vs. me "not reading your emotions and not catering to them like you do for me" I don't do things the same way as you, you don't build the same items on a hero like me. My ways to try to get to you to make you feel better is by trying to do or play something you enjoy; it's an indirect approach while yours is direct.

My mind was clustered, but now I've vented. I've sorted out the facts in my head, too. They're still kind of all over the place, but I have a request for you, too. You've asked me not to make you feel guilty when you go out with your friends anymore, but I do ask you to balance that. I ask a favor that you delve deeper into what you say about me that hurts me so, that see it from my shoes when I think you're cranky for the day, I'll give you some time to cool off so I won't push your buttons. I wasn't holding anything against you, I just wondered why you were so cold to me Saturday night. I wasn't mad about that the following day, I just wanted to stay outta your way if you were gonna explode. And another thing...if Thursday night bothered you so much, why didn't you talk to me Friday night when you got home? Instead of letting it hit Sunday and having it crash down like a stack of bricks? Doesn't that go against what you said for me to do for you? Thursday...I was excited, and you burst my bubble. You said you were coming home and had to study for one more final, but said nothing about even going to Long's house. We went out that day and you were just rushing us to finish with shopping, I didn't get mad at that, I wanted you to study, too. We get home, you went to go have coffee with the boys, I was fine with that, too, I didn't even fret getting mad. It's when you got home an hour later and then just changed up on me and said "I'm going to Long's house for the whole night to study" that tore me to pieces. I was flustered and didn't know what I could say, because it IS having to do with study, so I wanted you to ace your finals, but at the same time, I thought you were gonna be here, because you've studied with me sleeping behind you before during that one time you got Adderall from your friend for $10. I didn't mind the light because all that mattered was that you were there with me and when I woke up and saw you, it made me smile and go back to sleep. So I was just kinda hit by surprise and disappointed, and I did not know what to say or how to say it to you. I couldn't figure it out and when you called, I didn't wanna sound like a dumb ass by not knowing why I was so disfigured and why I was disappointed. By that time, you already had came over, and I apologized completely for that and acting like a child, but it's like, you still don't take that into consideration. Here's the break-down of it: You got mad that you had to beat it out of me that night to figure out what is wrong and you feel like you've been doing that the whole time in the relationship. Just that night alone, I did not get mad at anything else except for you disappointing me by changing plans up and building me up just to break me down. I couldn't figure it out then until a little later when you showed up. Other times you ask me what's wrong, I tell you "nothing," and when there IS something really wrong with me, I follow that with a "Well...I feel ******" you know KNOW that happens and then we deal with it. I caught myself those times, so you can't say I never tried. I still am trying, and its not like I'm making you my right leg. Honestly, I've been having bad flash backs and you're the only one who understood me when I spoke to you about them for. That's why I missed you so much. Because there barely any communication while your finals week and I took that into account, so I bit my lip and just waited til you could come. I've been missing sleep cuz I missed you but I've also been missing sleep because I naturally can't. I don't want you to feel like I'm saying that I NEED you to survive, you are an addition and I love it. It's just during that time, I needed some support to get me over the insomnia and flashbacks so I could get regular again, and who else knows me better than you and my sister? Just you were busy, and my sister was whacko that week.

At this point...I don't know what the fight was really about or how it really even started. The weekend starting from Thursday was tense and it just got more tense for separate reasons as the weekend went through and we were both tense and flustered from to completely OPPOSITE things where I thought you were this and you thought I was that. -_- That's honestly what I've figured and what everyone has told me after they've spoken to both me and you. It was lack of communication the whole weekend cuz one didn't wanna talk to the other and the other chose not to talk to the other and was waiting for the right time from the other person. This miscommunication thing can get totally outta hand sometimes.

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Hey everyone. Yeah, I know. I'm in a constant state of hiatus, but I can't really help it. There have been a lot of things going on. I mean, honestly, I've been feeling depressed. I know, it seems like all the time I come on here, I announce the depression thing a lot, but how else would I express my feelings? And it's a lot of things, too. You know how sometimes, when you think about something sad, you think about something else that may have contributed to it, and it makes you even more sad, and that in turn makes you sad? Well, that's what's been happening to me. Like the less time I spend with my girlfriend and my family, it makes me sad. Then I start thinking about the reason why I'm spending less time with them and how hard it is to change the schedule and I feel so helpless and it makes me even more sad. Not only that, I seek the attention for myself so I can make myself feel better, and then I think about how I really don't have anyone to talk to outside of my sister and my girlfriend. And it hurts...it really does. I think about the stupid reason why my friends turned their backs on me. And like, when I get sad and down...I really get down in there. When I get depressed, I fall deep because I have a bad history and I can't help that. But what I can help is the factor that I'm taking steps to seek help. It's hard because I never used to, so it's a bit hard to start it going. That's what happened last weekend: I began thinking a lot about where I stand. Why am I still here. I work so much I rarely get to spend any outside time with anyone. It sucks. And I really needed someone to console me. My sister wasn't really around and my g/f....she sorta gave up on me a little to quickly because I was frustrating her. And I honestly feel that wasn't really fair. After two days...not even two days. I see her a couple hours after work and then we sleep. After about a total of 4-6 hours of trying to cheer me up and not succeeding--she gives up. The third day I come home mopey, she doesn't even want to put up with me anymore. How unfair is that? She tells me that I was all angry and everything, but I never directly yelled at HER or anything. Sure, I was pissed off at work, but I'm not directing my hatred towards HER. There were times when unfortunate events happened to her and she was down and she DID initially snap at ME. [b]I put up with it and didn't get mad back because i knew she was just frustrated with other stuff and not me[/b]. I have never yelled back at her because she was angry or frustrated. But I put my best out; if one thing didn't work, I tried harder on something else to cheer her up and keep her head up. All I wanted was for her to do the same for me. That's it. But I didn't get that. She said to when I complained about other people get to spend more time with her than me, "Baby, we'll be together." And that was [i]it[/i]. I'm a little far in a hole so one sentence is not gonna kick the depression away that fast. Especially because I honestly do question my existence here in this world and wonder why I'm even here [i]every single fucking day[/i]. Yeah, I'm a little pessimistic, but I tell people to be optimistic, and it sounds like I'm a hypocrite, but does that initially make me a BAD hypocrite? That I am pessimistic about myself, but I try to raise everyone else's head in optimism? Well, she called me a hypocrite about it. And it hurt to see that she didn't realize that I would do that for her, that I would go the extra mile and a half just to keep her chin above her shoulders. It hurt to hear that she gave up after a couple of unsuccessful attempts at keeping my head up. Whereas I would constantly find things to make her smile when she was down and depressed, and if that didn't work, i found pictures, i drew pictures, i sang to her, i drove out from work to her house knowing it was a far drive, all just to see her smile. For me, if one failed attempt at just trying to make me smile happens, at least know that I'm grateful that you tried, and it brings up my mood a little. That brings -5 up to -4. And then the persistence and different attempts will raise me well above +1. That's how it works. Then I find out that she thinks I'm too negative and she doesn't need that so she goes and hangs out with some other guy that doesn't have a negative mind to make her happy. Do you really think that's gonna make me any less negative than I'm already feeling? All it's gonna make me feel is that you don't want to try with me anymore. It's going to make me more depressed because you don't even want to deal with me. All I wanted was a little more effort, and that pissed her off. Where the other times, she's yelled at me, snapped at me and stuff, and I never ever got mad back and had a screaming battle with her. And she does that to me. Seems a bit two-sided and the advantage is unbalanced.

When have I ever gotten mad and given up trying for you? I just feel that this guy that you're hanging out with, the factor you're trying to get to know him makes it so your feelings are absent when you're with me. Because that's how you've been. It seems like you haven't been all there when I needed someone the most, and when the problem is up, you scream because I didn't tell you right away. Just like you never know when and how to tell me you hung out with another person that I didn't really like, and it slips out. I don't get pissed and start yelling. I'm just disappointed that you didn't tell me sooner. But I get over it. Why can't you just do the same with me. Yeah, I don't tell you ASAP, but its because it's hard to just walk up to someone and say, "Hey, I need attention. I've been thinking down on my life and feel like it's not worth it to burden others with it and been having recurring thoughts and images of suicide." It's NOT that easy. So can I at least get the same sort of leniency if I take a while to spit out what I'm feeling?

And then friends...all I have is Andy, but he's having his own depressing times and I try not to go to him when he is. It's bad to put two intensely depressed people together, and I know that. But when he isn't and he's feeling chipper, I can hang out with him. The only real problem is that our schedules overlap, just like everyone else (my sister), so it's hard for me to find a friend at the moment, especially when I have to drive out all the way to Long Beach to find a friend from Mission Viejo (30 mile drive). Jason...I can't really express my feelings and get a response that'll up my attitude about things; and I need opinions and help. There isn't really anyone else I can call. I just want to be better. Feel better.

I pray to God every night and ask for Him to help me get over the way I am. I cry every night wondering why I always burden the people I'm around and should I even be around anymore if all I ever do is frustrate people and make them mad because of the way I am. I pray to Him for things to change and have everything better. I pray to God now...just help me.

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There's been a lot of things going on: I'm no longer friends with Matt and the rest of the crew because of their shallow mindsets. I'm sorta in a relationship with Angie but things are on a hold because of some rules and a blooming relationship (she and I are getting closer with the things that are coming). My sister is in the third phase of her Drug Court (FINALLY). I got a job at a new high rise building and get to wear a cool suit and tie and stuff. I'm making NEW friends with people in a gaming industry company (K2 Networks, makers of War Rock and Knight Online). Only problems are that I'm slowly going into debt because of the payroll people not doing their jobs. Other than that, I can say life is sorta so so. I wish things would get better faster, but they aren't really yet. There's too much to explain but please, wish me luck my friends. I miss all of you.

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Hey everyone. I know, its been a long time, but there has been a lot going on. I know, I say that all the time after a long absence, but this time, it's more emotional than anything else. Things such as depression because I start thinking about how my life has turned out. Its funny because before, I used to do everything for others to be happy. To keep them happy because to see them happy made me happy. Not so recently, I've discovered that it was leading me to my demise. I started to be not so happy because everything I did, became more and more incomplete for them. Whatever I did was never, ever enough to keep them (my friends, family, etc.) happy. Well, needless to say, I had the epiphany to change that and do EVERYTHING for myself. And well, what do you know? It's still not enough. I began to be a bit more selfish (in a good way) and take care of myself and do things for myself and now, Matt and Jay HATE me. They haven't picked up my phone calls or answered my text msgs and Matt usually always does. And then I find out from my own cousin that he invited them to a LAN party and I wasn't invited and like when people talked about me, he was bitter. So that's how I know he was bitter because for about 3 weeks, his sister's have been asking me where I've been because I've missed a lot of key events that they thought I would usually be at. And I just don't understand it, but it gets me depressed to think that I know people and then I don't just because I don't want to stick my neck all the way out just for them anymore. It hurts a lot and lately it's bene hurting a lot and I try SO hard not to show it to my sister, Kerry, Angie, and Sharon. But it hurts so much knowing that I thought I could confide in them when I needed someone to talk to because of my problems (although are not the worse), they would try to compare who's life is worse by severity of problems. I don't want to hear comparison. If I wanted to hear comparison, I'd go and talk to a bum out on the street without a roof over his head. I go to them so they can hear me out and I can get it out of my head and off of my chest. I thought they would pull me out of the smoke and fire because we've all been through shit and we understand one another and right now, they're just pushed me into the fire. It's hard to hide my pain, but I do it. It lingers in my head about how all the friends that I cared about and the ones that cared about me back were stripped away from me or I lost them to something retarded (like a fucking LCD monitor). So of course, how can you not expect me to be depressed? I don't have friends here in Mission Viejo. I no longer have a computer to use (Matt took his laptop back) and my sister bickers to me about bringing my OWN computer back here (I bought it and built it from the ground up) because she worries about Patrick not having anything to do at home (I bought him an XBox 360, XBox, PS2, N64, with all his favorite games). It's MY computer, i have MY stuff on it. When I don't feel like playing with Angie's Wii on the TV, I want to play games that I trained to join leagues in, like Counter-Strike and Warcraft. And I can't even do that without my computer. So I'm withheld from my own property? What's the point of me getting internet at the house in Mission Viejo then if I don't have anything to use with it? So yeah, what am I supposed to do? Even at this moment, my heart feels empty and I'm tearing up, but I can't help it if I've felt this way for 4 weeks. It's hard to try and hide it from people who try to make me happy, and truthfully, from the depths of my heart I APPRECIATE IT GREATLY and I apologize from hiding this, but it's just how I feel. Everytime I confront someone, they can come and instantly talk about their problems, so I'm not going to interrupt that and intervene and try to compare. I listen. Because I want to be listened to. But, as a lot of people know, the subject being spoken of at the time ends up being the mood of the whole situation, so sometimes if your problem doesn't fit the situation, you don't talk about it, because if it's someone you care about, you don't want to change the subject and have them think you don't care. You do care. That's why you don't change it up and be like, "today, this went bad." I know, this is a lot to read, but it's been a long time since I was able to put my feelings down somewhere. On a serious note, it's been hurting so bad, I couldn't even write this in my journal that my younger brother gave to me as a gift. I've been writing in it and all but not about this situation where things make me feel like the most terrible person in the world because everyone is fraying from me. Sadly, I do and I can't help it. Even though, I don't know what I did wrong, there has to be something that made all my friends gravitate to the surface rather than be in my circle with me. It hurts a lot. There are only a few left now and that bothers me because...what if I lose them, too? How would I feel when I'm left alone with no where to go to but work and home? My heart hurts thinking about it...so now I'll end it here. I don't care who reads this or how they feel about what I say, I let it all out here. If I'm not able to even here, then the last place for me to go is six feet under hell's floor.

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