Hey everyone. I know, its been a long time, but there has been a lot going on. I know, I say that all the time after a long absence, but this time, it's more emotional than anything else. Things such as depression because I start thinking about how my life has turned out. Its funny because before, I used to do everything for others to be happy. To keep them happy because to see them happy made me happy. Not so recently, I've discovered that it was leading me to my demise. I started to be not so happy because everything I did, became more and more incomplete for them. Whatever I did was never, ever enough to keep them (my friends, family, etc.) happy. Well, needless to say, I had the epiphany to change that and do EVERYTHING for myself. And well, what do you know? It's still not enough. I began to be a bit more selfish (in a good way) and take care of myself and do things for myself and now, Matt and Jay HATE me. They haven't picked up my phone calls or answered my text msgs and Matt usually always does. And then I find out from my own cousin that he invited them to a LAN party and I wasn't invited and like when people talked about me, he was bitter. So that's how I know he was bitter because for about 3 weeks, his sister's have been asking me where I've been because I've missed a lot of key events that they thought I would usually be at. And I just don't understand it, but it gets me depressed to think that I know people and then I don't just because I don't want to stick my neck all the way out just for them anymore. It hurts a lot and lately it's bene hurting a lot and I try SO hard not to show it to my sister, Kerry, Angie, and Sharon. But it hurts so much knowing that I thought I could confide in them when I needed someone to talk to because of my problems (although are not the worse), they would try to compare who's life is worse by severity of problems. I don't want to hear comparison. If I wanted to hear comparison, I'd go and talk to a bum out on the street without a roof over his head. I go to them so they can hear me out and I can get it out of my head and off of my chest. I thought they would pull me out of the smoke and fire because we've all been through shit and we understand one another and right now, they're just pushed me into the fire. It's hard to hide my pain, but I do it. It lingers in my head about how all the friends that I cared about and the ones that cared about me back were stripped away from me or I lost them to something retarded (like a fucking LCD monitor). So of course, how can you not expect me to be depressed? I don't have friends here in Mission Viejo. I no longer have a computer to use (Matt took his laptop back) and my sister bickers to me about bringing my OWN computer back here (I bought it and built it from the ground up) because she worries about Patrick not having anything to do at home (I bought him an XBox 360, XBox, PS2, N64, with all his favorite games). It's MY computer, i have MY stuff on it. When I don't feel like playing with Angie's Wii on the TV, I want to play games that I trained to join leagues in, like Counter-Strike and Warcraft. And I can't even do that without my computer. So I'm withheld from my own property? What's the point of me getting internet at the house in Mission Viejo then if I don't have anything to use with it? So yeah, what am I supposed to do? Even at this moment, my heart feels empty and I'm tearing up, but I can't help it if I've felt this way for 4 weeks. It's hard to try and hide it from people who try to make me happy, and truthfully, from the depths of my heart I APPRECIATE IT GREATLY and I apologize from hiding this, but it's just how I feel. Everytime I confront someone, they can come and instantly talk about their problems, so I'm not going to interrupt that and intervene and try to compare. I listen. Because I want to be listened to. But, as a lot of people know, the subject being spoken of at the time ends up being the mood of the whole situation, so sometimes if your problem doesn't fit the situation, you don't talk about it, because if it's someone you care about, you don't want to change the subject and have them think you don't care. You do care. That's why you don't change it up and be like, "today, this went bad." I know, this is a lot to read, but it's been a long time since I was able to put my feelings down somewhere. On a serious note, it's been hurting so bad, I couldn't even write this in my journal that my younger brother gave to me as a gift. I've been writing in it and all but not about this situation where things make me feel like the most terrible person in the world because everyone is fraying from me. Sadly, I do and I can't help it. Even though, I don't know what I did wrong, there has to be something that made all my friends gravitate to the surface rather than be in my circle with me. It hurts a lot. There are only a few left now and that bothers me because...what if I lose them, too? How would I feel when I'm left alone with no where to go to but work and home? My heart hurts thinking about it...so now I'll end it here. I don't care who reads this or how they feel about what I say, I let it all out here. If I'm not able to even here, then the last place for me to go is six feet under hell's floor.

I have a hard time reading this because like an inch of the side doesnt show. :(
» lyndeep on 2007-05-11 11:39:30

though I don't completely know your situation, I can understand no one being there for you. No one to be there to just listen without giving their opinion or comparing their problems to yours. I really do hope things get better for you and soon.
» LostSoul13 on 2007-05-11 12:46:54

hey, I just read this even though I guess you put it up a while ago? That sounds really terrible and I hope things have gotten better since then. I like your song "Summer Jam". What precipitated this schism between you and Matt? It seems like he's being totally unreasonable. But if he expects you to be his slave and do unreasonable things for him, then you can see how he would be angry when you didn't, even though it's totally reasonable for you not to. But that's a selfish reaction on his part.

And you should definitely be able to have your own computer. You can't make everyone happy all the time, and if you keep flexing your muscles and demanding what you deserve, they will eventually get used to it and stop asking you to make ridiculous sacrifices.
» Zanzibar on 2007-06-14 08:00:43

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