Hey everyone. Yeah, I know. I'm in a constant state of hiatus, but I can't really help it. There have been a lot of things going on. I mean, honestly, I've been feeling depressed. I know, it seems like all the time I come on here, I announce the depression thing a lot, but how else would I express my feelings? And it's a lot of things, too. You know how sometimes, when you think about something sad, you think about something else that may have contributed to it, and it makes you even more sad, and that in turn makes you sad? Well, that's what's been happening to me. Like the less time I spend with my girlfriend and my family, it makes me sad. Then I start thinking about the reason why I'm spending less time with them and how hard it is to change the schedule and I feel so helpless and it makes me even more sad. Not only that, I seek the attention for myself so I can make myself feel better, and then I think about how I really don't have anyone to talk to outside of my sister and my girlfriend. And it hurts...it really does. I think about the stupid reason why my friends turned their backs on me. And like, when I get sad and down...I really get down in there. When I get depressed, I fall deep because I have a bad history and I can't help that. But what I can help is the factor that I'm taking steps to seek help. It's hard because I never used to, so it's a bit hard to start it going. That's what happened last weekend: I began thinking a lot about where I stand. Why am I still here. I work so much I rarely get to spend any outside time with anyone. It sucks. And I really needed someone to console me. My sister wasn't really around and my g/f....she sorta gave up on me a little to quickly because I was frustrating her. And I honestly feel that wasn't really fair. After two days...not even two days. I see her a couple hours after work and then we sleep. After about a total of 4-6 hours of trying to cheer me up and not succeeding--she gives up. The third day I come home mopey, she doesn't even want to put up with me anymore. How unfair is that? She tells me that I was all angry and everything, but I never directly yelled at HER or anything. Sure, I was pissed off at work, but I'm not directing my hatred towards HER. There were times when unfortunate events happened to her and she was down and she DID initially snap at ME. [b]I put up with it and didn't get mad back because i knew she was just frustrated with other stuff and not me[/b]. I have never yelled back at her because she was angry or frustrated. But I put my best out; if one thing didn't work, I tried harder on something else to cheer her up and keep her head up. All I wanted was for her to do the same for me. That's it. But I didn't get that. She said to when I complained about other people get to spend more time with her than me, "Baby, we'll be together." And that was [i]it[/i]. I'm a little far in a hole so one sentence is not gonna kick the depression away that fast. Especially because I honestly do question my existence here in this world and wonder why I'm even here [i]every single fucking day[/i]. Yeah, I'm a little pessimistic, but I tell people to be optimistic, and it sounds like I'm a hypocrite, but does that initially make me a BAD hypocrite? That I am pessimistic about myself, but I try to raise everyone else's head in optimism? Well, she called me a hypocrite about it. And it hurt to see that she didn't realize that I would do that for her, that I would go the extra mile and a half just to keep her chin above her shoulders. It hurt to hear that she gave up after a couple of unsuccessful attempts at keeping my head up. Whereas I would constantly find things to make her smile when she was down and depressed, and if that didn't work, i found pictures, i drew pictures, i sang to her, i drove out from work to her house knowing it was a far drive, all just to see her smile. For me, if one failed attempt at just trying to make me smile happens, at least know that I'm grateful that you tried, and it brings up my mood a little. That brings -5 up to -4. And then the persistence and different attempts will raise me well above +1. That's how it works. Then I find out that she thinks I'm too negative and she doesn't need that so she goes and hangs out with some other guy that doesn't have a negative mind to make her happy. Do you really think that's gonna make me any less negative than I'm already feeling? All it's gonna make me feel is that you don't want to try with me anymore. It's going to make me more depressed because you don't even want to deal with me. All I wanted was a little more effort, and that pissed her off. Where the other times, she's yelled at me, snapped at me and stuff, and I never ever got mad back and had a screaming battle with her. And she does that to me. Seems a bit two-sided and the advantage is unbalanced.

When have I ever gotten mad and given up trying for you? I just feel that this guy that you're hanging out with, the factor you're trying to get to know him makes it so your feelings are absent when you're with me. Because that's how you've been. It seems like you haven't been all there when I needed someone the most, and when the problem is up, you scream because I didn't tell you right away. Just like you never know when and how to tell me you hung out with another person that I didn't really like, and it slips out. I don't get pissed and start yelling. I'm just disappointed that you didn't tell me sooner. But I get over it. Why can't you just do the same with me. Yeah, I don't tell you ASAP, but its because it's hard to just walk up to someone and say, "Hey, I need attention. I've been thinking down on my life and feel like it's not worth it to burden others with it and been having recurring thoughts and images of suicide." It's NOT that easy. So can I at least get the same sort of leniency if I take a while to spit out what I'm feeling?

And then friends...all I have is Andy, but he's having his own depressing times and I try not to go to him when he is. It's bad to put two intensely depressed people together, and I know that. But when he isn't and he's feeling chipper, I can hang out with him. The only real problem is that our schedules overlap, just like everyone else (my sister), so it's hard for me to find a friend at the moment, especially when I have to drive out all the way to Long Beach to find a friend from Mission Viejo (30 mile drive). Jason...I can't really express my feelings and get a response that'll up my attitude about things; and I need opinions and help. There isn't really anyone else I can call. I just want to be better. Feel better.

I pray to God every night and ask for Him to help me get over the way I am. I cry every night wondering why I always burden the people I'm around and should I even be around anymore if all I ever do is frustrate people and make them mad because of the way I am. I pray to Him for things to change and have everything better. I pray to God now...just help me.

I don't have quite that many problems, but I definately know how it feels to be depressed all the time. and to not know how to fix it. it always seems that when one thing goes wrong, everything else that can go wrong, does. its very overwhelming. I really wish that it was as easy as those commercials for Staples. just push an easy button and it fixes your problems instantly. but this is life, so of course it wouldn't work like that.
and if you read it, I'll be back to blogging tomorrow. but only you and one other person know that so shhhh ;]
» LostSoul13 on 2007-10-17 10:08:49

I had no idea you were as close to your sister as you are. And the girl you're dating, is it the one you wrote about last time?

About the depression.. I think you're doing the right thing thus far: praying. I don't know how strong your relationship with him is, but he always gets me through my shitty days.
» Dilated on 2007-10-17 11:25:46

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